December 6th

For 2 years now, well actually, a bit longer than that, this date has been sitting in my heart. At first it was with great excitement, then sadness, then dread, then relief when it passed, then just a quiet place, and now, with wistfulness for what could have been.

December 6th is my first unfulfilled due date. Shoulda, coulda, woulda been 2007. This is the one that hurts and that I remember oh-so-well. Not even because it was the first. Because of a little white blip on a screen, and a nice strong thump-thump.

And since then I've learned way too much about loss, and not just my own.

But today I grieve for a good bloggy friend, Cece, who didn't just lose a shoulda, coulda, woulda; but rather, her perfect, beautiful daughter, a twin, after just a few days on this Earth, for some unknown reason.

And for today, and tomorrow, and all of my days, I'll just never understand why these things, these losses, have to happen to any of us. And I wish, just for a moment, that I could be the me that I was even 5 years ago, that didn't know that these things can, and do, happen.

Odds 'n Ends

Woo hoo, it's Friday! The week has been so, so, so busy and crammed full of stuff that I swear, it was just Monday.

• Last night I finished my second course towards my gifted education endorsement. So, yippee, one less thing on my schedule until the first week in January when the next class starts up.
• We are having a garage sale tomorrow to help build our adoption fund. This, um, has been in the works since last weekend. Good timing, huh? Upon looking at our treasures that we will be parting with, we'll be lucky to make $100. Hopefully I'm being really sarcastic right now and greatly underestimating the value of our stuff. And since math isn't my best subject, maybe the nickels and dimes we collect tomorrow will add up to more.
• Just 2 more weeks of school until winter break. And I can't wait! I am practically giddy with excitement about being home for two weeks and not leaving the Valley of the Sun.

There are many more things to report and reflect upon, but unfortunately, I just finished my breakfast and need to get out the door, otherwise the teacher will be late to class. And that never looks good . . .

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I like balls. I want a ball for Christmas. Ball. Ball. Ball.

Love,

Andy-Pants

Dear Santa,

I like balls. I want a ball for Christmas. Ball. Ball. Ball.

Love,

Molly-Pie

Dear Santa,

I like babies. I want a baby for Christmas. Just like Andy. Pretty please?

Love,

Chris

Thankful for the Wait

Holidays were hard for me for a long time. It's just so hard not having kids, and especially at the holidays, when that is what you want more than anything in the world. To be surrounded by people who have what you want so deeply was really hard to bear at times. While I thought that I was thankful for all that I had, I still wished for more. I always knew that holidays would be even better once we had kids. And now, it's even better than I ever imagined.

While waiting, time seemed to pass so slowly, and the pain only deepened with the passing of each holiday. It was a pain that felt like it would never lessen. And a pain that felt like I had to hide it, lest I make others uncomfortable. To top it off, I only felt understood by those who had already traveled our path, and felt our pain. Even worse was being misunderstood by those who hadn't traveled our path. It was just another layer of the pain.

But now, on the other side of the pain, I can honestly say that I am thankful for the wait. I think that the waiting, while nearly unbearable at the time, really helped to build a deep appreciation for all that we have now. For Andrew. The kind of appreciation that is built when you have to work really hard for something important, rather than the more superficial appreciation that comes from having things come along easily.

And the pain, while it is indeed gone, it is not forgotten. The scars remain, but don't hurt anymore. And really, I don't want to forget. Forgetting might lessen my appreciation, if that's even possible. I want to remember.

Remembering strengthens my love and support for my friends who are still waiting. Friends who are wondering if their pain will ever end. And to those friends I say, "I understand your pain. I can't tell you how long you will wait, but I can tell you that one day the pain will vanish, and your hearts will be filled with so much love and appreciation for your child that you will also appreciate your wait. Your scars, too, will fade, but you will remember. You will remember from a special place of strength, with others who have also had the joy of waiting."

And How Did You Get Here?

Everyone once in a while I check out which key word phrases have been used to guide folks to my lil' old boring blog. I check this out because I am often easily amused, and I was in need of a wee bit of amusement this evening. Today's check didn't disappoint . . .

"Accidently knocked baby's head on a doorframe"

So, apparently one of my far less than stellar "mom" moments was actually google-able. And, apparently, I now have quasi-proof that I'm not the only one that has had this same less than stellar moment. Unless of course, this key word search wasn't launched by someone who had once done the same thing, but by someone looking to see if anyone had ever actually 'fessed up to doing such a boneheaded thing. Not so sure that that thought makes me feel better.

But still, it cracked me up.

So, what brings you here today?

All I Ever Wanted . . .

. . . is right here in this little picture.

Everything that matters . . . is right here in this little picture.

My whole world . . . is right here in this little picture.

For this I am so incredibly blessed and thankful.

Quack

Way back in August I decided to redecorate Andrew's bathroom incorporating a yellow ducky theme after I had these pictures taken . . .
This is what his bathroom looked like at the time. And really, there was nothing wrong with it in it's current condition, but it just wasn't very kid friendly.

It took a bit of shopping, and finally some online shopping and ordering, but I finally acquired all of the accessories, towels, and shower curtain. Let's just say that it wasn't exactly one stop shopping, and it took Macy's a couple of tries to get the right things sent out. Then it took a while longer for me to decide on just the right color blue paint for the walls. And that was all the easy part! It was much harder to find a block of time to just get it done. I'm pleased to say that the transformation occurred last weekend!

I really like the shower curtain. It's cotton and the ducks and dots are both chenille so there's a really nice texture to it.

I think Andrew's pictures perfectly complete the decor.

I'm sure that by the time he is old enough to realize that's his naked behind on the wall it will be time for me to take it down. Until then, it stays!

All in all, I'm completely thrilled with how nice the bathroom turned out. It is really a happy and cheerful place to be now, and I'm sure Andrew will like it too. I just realized that he hasn't even seen it! Right now he is still taking his baths in my bathroom because it is just plain easier for me. I guess for his next bath we will have to break in his bathroom!

Special Places

Everyone has their own special place. I'm not talking about places like a lake, or a beach, or a park, or a walking trail . . . I'm talking about a special place within the home. This is a place where one can go to be alone, to pursue hobbies, or to just be.

Andrew seems to have found his place. There's only one problem - it's also Molly's place. We'll see what happens if they ever both want to occupy the space at the same time.

My special place is this little corner of my bedroom. I love, love, love my cushy chair.
It's my favorite place ever to curl up with a good book. Napping is pretty fantastic in this chair as well. And, I must admit, this spot is my quiet little refuge when our house gets just too crazy and noisy during family events. I like to relax in this chair while I chat on the phone catching up with my girlfriends in California. When I'm upset, this is the place I retreat to. I've even spent a little bit of time in this comforting spot with my tears. When Andrew was tiny he and I spent many nights in this chair before he learned to sleep by himself. So, when I think of my special place within our home, this is it.

I look forward to watching Andrew as he finds his own special place. One that he won't have to share with Molly.

And I'm pretty sure that Brian's special place is the, um, commode in the master bathroom, considering the amount of time he spends there. That's also where he keeps his magazines and does his best singing.

So, where is your special place?

Trick-or-Treat!

Andrew had been carting his orange pumpkin bucket around the house for days before Halloween ever arrived. He's at the stage where he loves putting his toys in things and moving them all over the house. Here he is as we were getting ready to leave the house.
We visited my parent's house first, and Andrew was all business. My mom didn't give him candy. She gave him a banana. Which he promptly began to eat, peel and all.

Next we went to our friend's house, and Andrew just tried to push his way in the door.

Once inside, he didn't want candy, or even to play with his friend Ryann. He just wanted to play with a plastic pumpkin.

Andrew practiced at our front door while he waited to visit the neighbors.

We passed out candy from the comfort of our patio chairs on the driveway (complete with pizza and adult beverages as well). Andrew was visited by lots of friends in the neighborhood.

All in all, it was a great night, and probably my personal best ever for the most fun on Halloween night. It's been a long time coming . . .

You Knew This Was Bound to Happen

Honestly, I just can't help myself! Is there a self-help group for moms (how cool is that . . . I still get excited when 'mom' refers to me) who just can't help but have pictures taken of their super adorable munchkins?

So how are you and your kids dressing up for Halloween? And what kind of treats are you handing out?