Mother's Day Minefield

Mother's Day used to be so very simple; but that was a long time ago.  For a few years it was just plain hard.  Now, it is wonderful, though a little complicated.  Let me explain.

Up until I got married Mother's Day was quite straightforward, and I never gave it much thought.  Of course, I thought of my own mom and grandmothers.  I'd spend time with my mom and there was always a thoughtfully chosen card and gift.  It was all very simple then, and I never would have imagined that such a holiday could become complicated.

A year after we were married Mother's Day started to get hard.  Really hard.  We still had our mothers and grandmothers to honor and celebrate, but there was sadness and feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't yet a mother.  In addition to feeling sad and sorry, I also felt really selfish for pouting about it when, in fact, I still had my mom.  Each year Mother's Day became more difficult.  Partly this was because each year I had hope that by the next year I would surely be a mother.  But, it never worked out.  One particularly difficult year I was finally pregnant as Mother's Day approached.  Believe me, there was lots of celebrating going on!  We flew my grandmother out for a visit, my brother and niece were coming out, and we were planning a big Mother's Day party at our house.  Days before Mother's Day I had surgery for a missed miscarriage.  And the houseguests and party still went on.

2009 brought genuine happiness as I was able to finally celebrate my first Mother's Day.  But that is when it started to get complicated.  Frankly, it still is a bit complicated, and I suspect it may always be so.  We are still fortunate to be able to celebrate and honor our own mother's, and now I have my sweet boy who got me into the club.  Here's where it starts to get complicated, and it's for a number of reasons.  I still have so many friends waiting to become mothers, who struggle with the hope that it will ever happen.  My heart remembers this time, and I feel their pain.  It's complicated because I also think of Andrew's birth mother.  My greatest joy is also a loss for her.  She is so happy that she was able to bring us such joy and happiness, but I suspect there is likely some sadness there as well.  My heart also aches for those who have lost their babies far too soon.  This must be the most difficult day of the year for them, as if each day isn't already the most difficult.

So this is why Mother's Day feels like a minefield to me.  I'm so blissfully happy to be part of the club; but truly, not a day goes by that I'm not blissfully happy to be Andrew's mom, so I guess I don't really need a special holiday for it.  I think of  my friends still waiting, and of those who have had their babies taken from them too soon, and I don't want to cause any of them more pain.  I remember what it is like to feel left behind.  It's a feeling that will never leave me and that I will never forget.  But it all makes me hug and kiss and cuddle on my boy even more.

Love, Hope and Faith Lives!

I truly didn't intend to take an extended absence, but I also didn't intend to be completely overwhelmed by school and my new mentor position. I won't even attempt to catch everybody up on what has been going on. Well, not that anyone even comes around these parts anymore!

Instead, I'll start with last week.

Last week was Infertility Awareness Week. In my typical fashion, I managed to find a unique way to observe the week. I had surgery that permanently ended what little fertility I may have still had. See? Unique. And not elective, I might add.

The only bright side has been having two weeks off of work to recover, and I have about a week to go. Since I am completely incapable of just sitting around and doing nothing, I've had grand ideas of things I would accomplish. And since I'm being totally honest, I haven't accomplished anything. Well, except for updating this blog a little bit.

OK, so now that the initial dusting off of this blog has been tackled, I'll be back with more later!

Open Adoption Ponderings

In about a week we will be celebrating my favorite holiday of the year, Family Day. If you've been reading my blog for a while then you might remember that this is my own little made up holiday that marks the date in 2008 that Andrew's adoption was finalized. We celebrate by doing something together, and having a special cake, of course!

So here is my dilemma: Andy still doesn't have any idea that he was adopted, or at least he doesn't realize that he might have a clue. We sure haven't had any formal discussions with him. I mean, he sees pictures of his birth mom and him in the hospital, and of the two of them during visits, and we use her name, but he doesn't understand who she is. Actually, he doesn't have a clue that babies come from mommies. He's never spent any time around anyone pregnant, and if he has he hasn't noticed.

I guess I haven't gotten to the worry part yet. I'm worried that by the time Andy does begin to wonder about things it will be really upsetting to him. I've always wanted his knowledge about his adoption to be seemless and just something that he has always known, and not something that he just finds out one day. On the other hand, I don't want to give him too much information too soon either.

Maybe this year for Family Day I should break out a story book about adoption that we have. Any other ideas?

Heaven Help Me

One quarter down, three to go. It isn't with happiness that I say this, but rather dread. It's been a helluva time, these last 9 weeks. What it comes down to is that I simply don't enjoy working 12 hours each school day, plus going in on the weekends. This really isn't how I want to live my life. It isn't good for me or for my family. I can't even say that the money is worth it, because it really isn't. Teacher salaries in Arizona are particularly pathetic.

Let me share a bit of the back story. Last spring I decided to apply for an additional position at my school as a mentor teacher. Well, I got it, however, it came with a grade level change, up to fourth grade. That change did not make me happy, in fact, it caused many tears. However, I felt backed in to a corner so I went along with it. Let's just say that now I have an even clearer idea of why nobody ever wants to work with this particular team.

My stresses this last quarter have come not from my new position as a mentor teacher, but from having to be a 4th grade teacher. Learning a new curriculum takes tons of time. I'm chronically short on time. Learning to deal with a new team, or at least this new team, is a royal pain in my ass and I feel my blood pressure rise each time one team member begins to speak.

I've clearly made it know to my principal that it was really lousy, and totally mean, to give a new grade level assignment on top of the mentor job responsibilities. In response she tells me that I'm doing a great job. Well, that doesn't make it any easier or better, and in fact, tells me that I need to do a crappier job so that I won't have to do this again next year!

So, now that I'm well into the second week of fall break I feel like I can finally begin to think about what to do. First of all, I need to set some time limits here. I cannot continue to work 12 hour days plus at least a full day on the weekend. I'm going just need to leave school at 4:30 four days a week. No more staying until 5:50 and then dragging work home. There will be lots of things that likely just won't get done this quarter. At this point I'm ok with that.

I've also decided to go back on my anti-anxiety medication. I went off of it during the summer, and hoped to be able to keep things in check with physical exercise and relaxation exercises. Sadly, this just hasn't happened on it's own, and I haven't been able to make it happen. So, though it doesn't make me happy, I think the best thing is that I go back on it. I'm so wound up that I am incapable of relaxing. I can always go off of it next summer and hope that next school year I'm in a better situation. Hey, maybe once the medication kicks in I just won't care about all that doesn't get done!

In the meantime I'm going to try to enjoy my last days of of fall break. I'm taking Andy today to get his picture taken in his Halloween costume!

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

Yup, that would be me! Only I do know when I'll be back, and that will be Tuesday evening. Until then, Brian and Andy will be on their own, with some help from Brian's dad, who is visiting for a few days.

Wish them luck, and I'll share more when I return from my super secret mission!

It's Only Been a Week . . .

But, it's been a long week! The level of overwhelmedness (I know, not even a word, but it fits) I'm experiencing right now is even more than I experienced when I returned to teaching when Andy was 8 weeks old.
The trouble is that I was assigned to a new grade level, including a new classroom, this year. So, I'm in fourth grade now and wouldn't you know that in all the years that I've been teaching, including student teaching and all of my field work, I've never actually been in a fourth grade classroom. I guess on it's own this would be tolerable.
However, I also have a new position this year as a mentor teacher for fourth and fifth grade. This past summer I attended two different three day conferences and a couple of meetings, plus my school year started early. On it's own this new position would be pretty tolerable too.
Then there is the matter of having a new team to learn to work with. Part of the problem here is that the other two team members are incapable of working together. They pretty much admit it, too. So now I am the Switzerland of fourth grade. I suppose that on it's own this would be pretty tolerable as well.
What's the trouble then? Well, it has all come together like the Perfect Storm. I'm beyond busy and truly didn't know it was possible to be this far behind after only the first week of school. A lot of what I need to do involves just having time to sit down and process things. Hasn't happened, despite my best efforts.
We'll see how things go this week. I will be out of my classroom on Monday and Friday due to my new mentoring position so I've spent the weekend working on my sub folder and sub plans. Good times. Then, I'll have a sub the following Monday and Tuesday because I'm heading out of town on Saturday to handle a family situation.
Don't worry, there are a couple of bright spots. For one, I have an excellent class. I was fortunate to loop up with about 18 of my students from last year. Also, Brian has really stepped up and has been doing the majority of the cooking and laundry.
So, um, meet me back here on Friday when I've got a cold drink in my hand and we'll see how things went!

Summer Has Come and Gone

Can you believe it? There is some activity in this little corner of the blogosphere? Seriously, I never intended to just vanish, it just sort of happened. A couple of months ago I said to myself, "Self, you simply must get back to blogging". I had every intention of getting back to it as soon as summer vacation presented itself. Then a funny thing happened. Summer vacation DID present itself, and blogging never happened. So, here it is the night before school starts and I'm finally fulfilling that goal of getting some blogging done over the summer.

Here it is, in a photo journey, and with the exception of a couple of 3 day conferences for school.

Early on, right after the first conference, we hit the road to California for our nephew Ryan's birthday. We had a few days to visit and the boys were able to play.

All the kids have so much fun together and this picture is a rarity, all three of them in the same spot long enough to actually get a picture!
Andy ended up with a queen size air mattress all to himself, while I slept in Ryan's racecar bed. I think I lucked out.
Auntie Kari makes tasty pancakes!
Ryan, Kari, Me and Andy before heading out to Ryan's 4th birthday party.
We also visited Knott's Berry Farm, and got passes so we can go back whenever we want. Andy was a huge fan of Camp Snoopy and can't wait to go back.
On a later trip to California we were able to visit with Mick Mick, Andy's favorite rodent ever.
On yet another trip to Southern California, Brian and I were able to spend some much needed and appreciated time at a lovely resort in Carlsbad. We'd love to be able to go back!
We also had a trip to Legoland . . .

And also to the Long Beach Aquarium, where the Skittles may have been more interesting than the fish.

One of Andy's favorite past times is making coffee with Papa. I swear, between my mom and Brian's dad this kid is going to grow up to have coffee coursing through his veins.
Then there was the 4th of July celebration with the Kohl's. The boys are really getting to be good buddies.
My favorite picture of the summer . . . my guys!
Locally, we were able to go to the Children's Museum with friends. Love, love, love to go there because afterwards Andy always has a fantastic nap. Plus, it is really cool.
Oh, did I mention we had yet another trip to see the Mouse?!?!?!?
Andy celebrated his birthday in style, with yet another mouse, and his cousins and friends.
Plus another family party later. Note to self: 2 birthday parties for a 3 year old on 1 day is utter insanity. Let's try to plan better next time.
But the hugest part of summer vacation? Or so it seems . . . potty training. This is what seemingly most of my time has been about.
Oh, and just hanging out letting a boy be a boy.
And now, here it is, 11:30 PM and I have kids finally showing up at school tomorrow after having spend the better part of the last two weeks working to get ready for this. Now that I am all caught up here, hopefully it'll be easier to stay caught up! I hope a few of you are still around!

Spring Has Sprung

Spring in Arizona is a marvelous thing! However, if you dawdle, or blog, you will miss it. Sooo, we've been taking advantage of all that spring has to offer, and it hasn't left me with much time. I guess that's a good thing though, to be so busy living life that there isn't time to record or ponder it. To get everyone caught up with us I've got a special treat of a picture parade for you. In other words, I'm taking the easy way out and doling out eye candy rather than writing anything of any real substance.

We enjoyed a quick weekend visit with my Eric, Kari, Ashley and Ryan. As usual, Ashley and Andy are the best of buds!
Everyone likes to pile up on Uncle Brian, and I don't think he really minds either.
Baseball is still in the air, and the weather is perfect for bike riding. Or bike scootching, as the case may be. Andy's feet still don't reach the pedals on his trike.
What would spring be without a trip to the mall to see the Easter Bunny? Let me tell you, Andy has some serious Bunny love this year. Later, when he told my dad about seeing the Easter Bunny he said, "Papa, I saw the Easter Bunny at the mall and I liked him!"
Remember the whole bunny love thing I just told you about? Well, we also took Andy to see his very first movie. He was awesome! He sat and watched the entire movie, and ate his weight in popcorn.
The weather has been so nice that I couldn't resist getting Andy a little playhouse. He loves it! He invites everyone to come inside and begs for his friends to come over to play. Seriously, every day he plays here.
Andy just started taking swimming lessons. We've spent so much time in our pool with him playing that I felt he would do better learning with us not right in the pool with him. Obviously, he wasn't down with this plan.
He made a quick recovery and is now a big fan of playing with Miss Eileen. We go every Saturday morning and I'm super excited for our pool to warm up so that we can have more fun.
Even here in the Valley of the Sun we get some spring showers. OK, it was only one, but we did get a really nice rainbow out of it. This is what we saw when we came out of church. Andy told everyone about it for a week.
Lest you think that I think my boy is perfect, here's proof that he's not. Naughty little boy climbed up on his table to steal car keys. Good thing his feet won't reach the gas pedal yet.
I'm loving the extra sunshine left at the end of the day. I can relax on the patio while Andy plays. We've even enjoyed dinner out on the patio a couple of times. Andy would eat every meal out there if I'd let him.
Remember the whole bunny love thing? Well, last weekend my school district hosted an Easter event for employees and Andy couldn't get enough of a certain special guest. Other kids cried and wouldn't pose for pictures, but not my boy.
Oh, and here's us. Our happy little family of 3.

Yup, these are some pretty good times right now!

Spring Break is Breaking

Yesterday morning Andy woke up and seemed to be feeling much better, so we took him to our babysitter's house. Yippee! Brian and I got to have our date day! We spent some time figuring out what we wanted to do, and finally settled on going to the Phoenix Art Museum since we haven't been there before.

We also decided to have lunch at a new place (for us!), called The Farm at South Mountain. It's an actual farm and they have three restaurants, one for breakfast, one for lunch, and one for dinner. They feature fresh organic produce and all sorts of yummy things. It was a beautiful day yesterday, perfect March weather, and perfectly perfect for the exclusively outdoor seating.

We enjoyed a delightful lunch, and some quiet time afterward to just sit and relax. I could have stayed there all afternoon sipping iced tea and hanging with Brian.

By the time we left and began to make our way to the museum we were both very relaxed. Suddenly the museum wasn't seeming very enticing. It seemed like a much better idea to go to the nail shop. Brian wanted a pedicure, and I wanted a gel manicure. Now, Brian is still pretty new to pedicures, I corrupted him a little over a year ago. You also have to understand that Brian is totally freaked out by feet. All feet. I know, it's weird, and I don't even get it. Minutes after we got there we were surprised when my mom walked in. Brian was ready to die! As it turned out, he and my mom were sitting right next to each other in the spa massage chairs soaking their tootsies.

It was really a special bonding moment. As luck would have it, I took a picture with my cell phone. I can't post it here because I posted it on Facebook yesterday and Brian was pretty upset about it. But trust me, I realize how lucky I am that my husband and my mom get along well, and I really like it.

Today didn't go nearly as well. Andy woke up early and was just feeling really punky again. He was coughing and congested like crazy, and certainly not his normal self. We had a follow up doctor visit scheduled for today and Brian met us over there. Mind you, this was his third doctor visit since Saturday. Now we find out that the problem is that he has Strep Throat that triggered a 5 day asthma attack, bordering on pneumonia. He's now on antibiotics, another 3 days of prednisone, and continuing with albuterol three times a day. Hopefully this will do the trick. I feel bad that he has been so sick when I've actually had time off.

We have a long family filled three day weekend, and then I'm back to school on Monday. Hopefully I won't be taking Strep Throat back with me!

Spring Break

One of my favorite things about the district where I teach is that every year in March we get a two week Spring Break. While two weeks off is in and of itself pretty great, it is made even better by the beautiful Arizona weather. We also reside within the Cactus League, so we are surrounded by major league baseball spring training. Typically it is also our busy season for house guests, which is really fun. So, we tend to stay home rather than travel, which means that Spring Break is the my most restful break of the school year, other than summer break.

To get the ball rolling, my mom and I took Andy to Thomas the Train's Day Out. It was held in Globe, which is a tiny town way east of here. Andy had a blast, even though the event was a complete dud, simply by virtue of it's locale and complete disorganization.

The other best part of Spring Break is that I get to spend tons of time with Andy. Sometimes we do things that are fun for him, but sometimes we do things that are fun for me, like the day I went for a manicure and pedicure.
We have a little park nearby that Andy loves to visit. Every time we drive time he asks to go. Well, we've had lots of time to play!
Unfortunately, Andy has also been sick. We took him to the doctor on Saturday morning where he was diagnosed with a common cold. However, things changed drastically by Sunday afternoon. Andy's coughing was constant and thick, and he was wheezing and breathing rapidly. We took him to urgent care where he was promptly set up on a nebulizer. Let's just say that this didn't make him a happy camper.
By the end of the treatment he was feeling much better and thrilled to have his favorite treat, a "lollibot".
Here's a little video of him in all his cheerful "after treatment" glory, obviously feeling much better.



We were able to leave after Andy had one more treatment, and sent home with three prescriptions and still a diagnosis of a common cold, complicated by what may be asthma. The past couple of days have been rough around here, with very little sleep for anyone and grueling nebulizer treatments several times a day. We have a visit with our regular doctor later this week to see how things are going. While this isn't my favorite way to spend time off from school, I'm glad that it is break so that I don't have to be taking any sub days.

Brian is off tomorrow and we are having a date day for just the two of us. I'll have to report back later with whatever we end up doing.